The Delemna about Control

Let me start with the punchline:

The only things that humans actually have control over are their own thoughts and their own behaviors.

That’s it. We influence other things for sure. But we absolutely do not have control over anything else. Not the weather. Not the political landscape. Not the ebbs and flows of viruses and bacterias. We don’t have control over when our children will sleep. We can’t control when or what our children eat. We don’t have control over our partners’, family members’, friends’, or neighbors’ moods, preferences or opinions. We can’t control what, exactly, will happen during our birth or how, exactly, we will feel when we look at our babies for the first time. We can’t control the temperament of our children or the annoying sh*& that our partners do. We can’t even, believe it or not, control our feelings.

What we have control over is simply (don’t get that word confused with ‘easily’ but more on that later) how we think about or respond to these things. That’s it. Think about all of that time we are wasting trying to control and manipulate the people and environments around us. So much effort, energy, and commitment spent trying to control things that are outside of our control. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? And we feel so dang out of control all the time. Still. We push and we pull and we hope and we expect and we tire ourselves in the process. We are usually, if not always, disappointed in the end.

But our agency- the place where we really do have control- lies within ourselves rather than without. When we slow way down and pause and take a moment to make a choice that has to do with what we are thinking or how we are behaving, we have a sudden sense of being grounded and stable. Just for a moment.

Our own thoughts and our own behaviors.

I’m telling you, it feels good.

We choose to say something kind to ourselves rather than to try and control what others are saying to us.

We choose to breathe deeply rather than try to get other people to calm down.

We choose to speak about how we feel rather than telling someone how they should feel.

We choose to offer the milk or the food or the water rather than yelling at our children for not drinking or eating when we want them to.

We choose to focus on how we create bedtime routines, how we settle our own nervous systems before we sleep train, and how to set boundaries around what we are and are not willing to do when it comes to nighttime rituals. We focus on these things rather than trying to control when our children actually (finally) close their eyes. (and boy oh boy, we all know THAT never works).

We choose how to settle ourselves when we are scared, angry, sad, or disappointed rather than try oh so desperately (an ineffectively) to control the things that are causing our fear, anger, or sadness.

Are you getting the point? It is in these moments that we actually have control. And when we have control, we settle. Just like that.

This is a simple concept- instead of trying to control all of the things that are outside of us, we can shift and put all of that effort back into controlling what we can: Ourselves. But this concept is far from easy. As a generalization, humans do not like to not be in control, and so letting go of those things that we so desperately want to believe are ours to manipulate is really, really hard. It’s terrifying. And when we are scared, we are wired to protect. We grip and hold on tightly. We try even harder to gain control over what isn’t ours. But the reality is that even though not being in control of something feels like a threat, it likely is not. Not being in control of something is uncomfortable for sure. And it is incredibly inconvenient. But the fact of not having control over many things in life isn’t, typically, dangerous.

So, just to nail it down. Let’s play a game for a moment. Grab a pen and paper, or talk out loud. Answer this question: what do I absolutely not have any control over?

(hint: My children’s interests and opinions, my children’s biological clocks, my husband’s choices around his work schedule, President Trump’s behavior, my neighbor’s loudly barking dog, the spotty internet in Boulder, my family of origin’s opinions about the choices that I make, my colleague’s disappointment about something that I said no to, the natural aging that occurs in my body as I near 50, my teenager’s moodiness, the ups and downs of the COVID pandemic).

OK. How do you feel? What do you notice in your body? Are you tense? Agitated? Short of breath?

And now, ask yourself this question: What do I have control over?

(hint: How deep of a breath I take. Whether or not I pause before speaking. That words I use to talk to my husband about how I feel when he works late. The choices that I make to act in support of women’s rights and equality and peace in the world. Whether or not to wear earplugs at night so that the barking dog doesn’t keep me up. Ways to have humor about the (incredibly annoying) telehealth blunders during a pandemic. The ways in which I remind myself that my job is to be loyal to myself and that I can’t make everyone happy. Drinking enough water to take care of my body and skin and brain. Finding other mothers who have been there to talk to about the challenges of raising teenage daughters. Wearing a mask, washing my hands, and giving myself permission to feel it all.)

And now? When you realize where your control lies, and when you realize that it is right there at your finger tips, do you feel a shift? Does something move? Can you breathe a bit deeper?

It’s worth a try, dear readers. Don’t just take my word for it- ask yourself if this applies to you. Do you actually have any realistic control over the things outside of you that you are woking so hard to change? Are you frustrated and exhausted from trying? Do you find that you continue to feel out of control even when you put limitless effort and energy in to control those things, time and time again?

If this is true of you, too., see what happens when you shift your energy, just a little bit, to what you actually do have control over. Those little thoughts and behaviors are cumulative. I can almost guarantee you that you will begin to feel more in control over time.

With love and respect,

Kate (who is needing to practice all this stuff too. We all are.)