Motherhood

This month’s mom-to-mom post comes from Alison Rothman. Alison is a much loved member of the Boulder, CO community and is the founder of the podcast Embodied and Awake. She is also a body-centered coach and runs women’s wellness retreats through her practice Embody Life. Alison shares her journey through missed expectations, postpartum depression, and single motherhood. We love you, Alison!

I always held a vision of myself pregnant as a goddess. I imagined myself dancing, practicing yoga, sitting peacefully with myself and my growing body, owning my pregnant belly and feeling amazing on the whole. I also thought, with all of my being, that I would naturally drop into being a mother. I would be instantaneously and blissfully connected to my baby, nursing for years because I just loved it so much, popping my baby in a carrier and continuing on with life…overall loving the entire process beginning from conception.

Yet, what unfolded was anything but that.

I am a longtime yogini; a dancer and mover. I meditate. I have done an unbelievable amount of personal growth work, and my professional world is wrapped up in the world of embodiment. I could never in my life have imagined how I would feel pregnant, during childbirth, and in my postpartum years. I also never ever would have fathomed that I would become a single mother when my son turned 1.

Here is a snippet of my story:

My tiny baby was born after 9 plus months of constantly feeling like I was going to vomit, a tremendous weight gain due to the massive amount of bread I was eating in attempt to subside the nausea, the blatant realization that my new marriage was ridden with abuse and dysfunction, and the struggle of my internal battle with some deeply ingrained and residual patterns of a lifetime of an eating disorder. When labor began, a switch went off and some unresolved sexual trauma revealed itself. As I worked at opening, my body revolted and panicked out of survival and the recapitulation of cellular memory from decades ago.

By the time my tiny baby was born I was exhausted beyond belief, completely traumatized, and disconnected. All that I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for a week.

My tiny baby was a mere and unexpected 5 pounds 8 ounces, couldn’t latch on, didn’t sleep, and cried A LOT. I was huge, depressed, and distant. I did not feel a connection to this tiny screaming being and my abusive husband was of no support.

Fast forward one year. I was now fully in an abusive and dysfunctional marriage, desperate for sleep, exhausted, under-resourced, and not enjoying motherhood. I was going through the motions yet knew that I needed to show up for my baby.

Then I became a single mother. My son was 18 months old. In many ways this was a relief to be free from this daily abuse in my home, yet, as I am sure you can imagine, this turn of events took overwhelm to a whole new level.

The way that motherhood began for me shaped these many years since and I am certain will always live in me and my son.

My son and I hold a bond like no other, yet, it has not been an easy ride and has taken time. We have navigated some terrain that I would never wish upon any mother. However, these many years have been foundational in who we are both as individuals and as a team. I am truly grateful for them all, as painful, scary, unearthing, humbling, and grief laden as they have been.

There is an overarching societal belief that when you give birth to a child you instantly become blissed out and deeply connected to your baby. For me, that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

It has been an arduous and lonely road stepping into mommy-hood with this being beginning from conception.

My boy is now 11 and I feel as though we have landed in our sweet spot. We have found our way into that bond that we missed when he was a baby. Our hearts beat together and our systems have settled in unison. As he reaches towards more independence in the world, he simultaneously is stepping closer to me and I to him.

We have navigated over 10 years alone together and have a bond like no other. We have grown together, laughed together, cried together, screamed together in anger and in joy. We have learned the art of relationship and the power of repair. We have held each other in the darkness and celebrated the light. We are an invincible team.

Trauma, post-partum depression, and the effects of abusive relationships can have tremendous impact on the ability to bond with ones child.

Mothers need support, to be held in whatever state they are in after birth. They need compassion and community. They need love and acceptance. I felt such shame that I couldn’t bond with my son – such failure as a woman and a mother that I couldn’t nurse my baby, comfort my baby, hold my baby with ease. I felt so much angst in myself at the unacceptable feelings that I was having about my new role as Mommy.

The struggle is real for so many women. May we look out for our women, for those that are becoming mothers, those that are in the thick of motherhood and reach out without judgment. May we remember the massiveness of this “job” and honor it in all of its flavors. May we approach the women and mothers around us with reverence and kindness – knowing in our hearts that no matter what one’s outer situation is we have no idea what is going on inside of them.

May we hold the space for others to step out of the shame and into empowerment of their life situations and circumstances. And may we remember that we are never truly alone, even in those times when it feels the most lonely.

- Alison Rothman, Mom of Kai