A Note to Self

This month’s Mom-to-Mom series comes from C.B- mom of two boys.

Dear Mama,

I have hesitated writing about this experience for years, and the list of reasons (excuses, perhaps) feels as long as that creepy infographic of how many disposable diapers it takes to get to the moon. I've avoided it primarily because while I am learning that the struggles I have as a mom- or really as a human- are fairly normal, they are still my struggles and I always worry that pulling them out in the light might make them bigger, scarier, less manageable.

You see, I always knew I was going to be a mom. Most people in my life, with the exception of my best friend, would be shocked to hear that. I simultaneously never could picture a life without kids and fiercely created a "no kids for me" identity. I knew that motherhood was scary, hard, and life altering AF, so I avoided this side of my heart, even trying to numb / remove it with (insert every vice here) I could find. After getting married, I proudly would tell people that we were not having kids so frequently that when we started to announce our pregnancy most thought it was a really poorly timed April Fools joke. Well into motherhood, instead of trying to make space to embrace my new identity, I tried to joke it away and blame it on faulty sex education. Some days it’s easer to be honest about this than others, most days admitting I wanted to be a mom, after years of creating a never-gonna-be-a-mom identity, feels insane.

Spoiler alert, motherhood is incredibly challenging.

I resisted it fiercely, and many days still do because of a myriad of reasons, but the most prominent one being a loss of control- or realistically the loss of my illusion of control. This experience has changed my everyday, my body, my finances, all relationships, my career and my heart. It is really hard. When you add my resistance to motherhood and struggle to find an identity in it with my first pandemic, WOW, things can get pretty dark. In my therapy work, I am learning the concept of both/ and- its starting to feel like the lesson I may need to tattooed on my forehead. It is really hard to create an identity I can embrace as a mom AND it is heart exploding to see my dream of a family in real life.

I love my kids desperately- it truly is like having your heart walk around outside your body moment to moment. I have a fierce need to protect them- from everything (thank you, Lysol)- but most frequently my biggest challenge is feeling like I need to protect them from me. I never want my kids to feel or think that they weren't the catalyst for the best decision I ever made, but I am still learning how to feel and think that. I'm interested to see how the both / and can play out in our relationship- I love you so much for the joy you bring into parts of my heart that could never exist without you and WOW, are you trying to (and may) break me with your three year old ways.

As I find my identity as a mom, I'm still trying to learn the experience so I can help people on the way. If I could hop in a time machine, I would tell the scared girl that feels like her world is crashing around a positive pregnancy test this- it is.

The life you have in motherhood, for me, is not something you are ready for, it is something you build, with every tear, every doubt, every fear and every crack in your heart bursting wide open. It’s okay for the old world to come crashing down- the sooner it does, the faster a more beautiful one starts to emerge on the horizon. The purpose is hiding in the process- so be as gentle to yourself as you can.

I love you, I'm rooting for you and you're already doing it.

- C.B. Brave and fierce mom of two young boys.