Don't Should On Me

I imagine any client I’ve worked with rolling their eyes (hopefully with a smile on their face) as they read this story. I am a stickler when it comes to the word “should”. Why? 

Life, generally –and parenthood specifically– seems to include a tremendous amount of shoulds. 

“You should feed them this way…”

“I should be better about…”

“You should support their sleep by…”

“I know I should…”

What is this incredibly-popular word all about? Let’s go to the dictionary…

Should (v) used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions. Ex: “he should be very careful”. Oxford English Dictionary

Should places an extraordinary amount of pressure, often inducing blame/self-blame, or a sensation of ‘not good enough’. If we are trying our best, why are others (or ourselves) making it even harder?

What can we do instead?

The antidote to should shares many of the same letters.

Could (v) [modal verb: parts of can] used to indicate possibility, used in making polite requests, used to indicate a strong inclination. Ex: “they could be right”, “could I use the phone?” “I’m so happy, I could dance”. Oxford English Dictionary

We can simply replace any should with could in our own sentences and caringly restate others’ sentences. 

“You could feed them this way…”

“I could be better about…”

“You could support their sleep by…”

“I know I could…”

Could allows for options and more variables without the same expectations. We allow ourselves to have an open door, rather than feeling as if we have already failed. 

If intrigued, you could challenge yourself for the rest of the day or perhaps the rest of the week to be aware of, and switch out your shoulds for coulds. 

I hope it makes a difference for you!