There are a number of basic human emotions. Frequently, these are thought to be the following: Happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, and anger.

And anger, oh anger. Many of us, especially if we are women, have been taught that anger is bad. Not ok. Something to be avoided. Something to resist or push down or hide from.

But what if I told you that anger was, actually, hardwired to protect you? What if I told you that anger is the emotion that shows up when you feel fear? What if I told you that the truth is that when all humans are scared, they get scary, and that anger is the exhibition of this fear? That while anger can seem gruff and mean and big, that it actually comes from a very, very tender human place. That all anger actually stems from fear. Scary people are, well, scared.

We’ve all seen it in real time: Your kiddo runs towards the street and you scream at him to stop. Someone treats your kiddo poorly and you become mama bear- whipping out your sharp tongue and your fierce protection. You are giving birth and you feel anger towards the people around you who don’t seem to be helping. Your partner does something that leaves you feeling unseen and alone and you lash out. Your teenager is pushing you away and you get angry in return.

Fear.

When we are scared, we get scary.

Sometimes this is not as obvious: Like when a person in power gets mean and violent. But it is there at its core even then.

But why is this important, you ask? It’s important because when we communicate from a place of anger, we often unintentionally push people farther away. What we all want is closeness and connection- we are hardwired for this. And so when we feel any sort of injustice or abandonment or rejection coming from the people around us (our children, or partner, our family, our friends, our community, society) we armor ourselves up to fight. To protect ourselves. And while this is the case some of the time for sure, very often we are not actually in danger. We are afraid, but we don’t need to fight.

What we need is to connect.

So, the tip of the week is this: Acknowledge and communicate your fear when you can.

“Mommy is worried that you might get hurt”

“I am feeling scared that you might leave.”

“I feel fear when I don’t know if you are paying attention/listening to me.”

“It feels scary to feel invisible.”

“I am feeling worried that you don’t trust that I am here for you.”

Let me be clear- I do believe that anger serves a purpose and that like all other emotions, anger holds immense wisdom: There is something happening here that is not ok. But what if you learned to communicate from the tenderness of fear rather than the sharpness of anger?

Next time you are feeling angry ask yourself this:

What am I afraid of?

And see if you can pause there, and connect from that place.